tit cake

A little while back, Lindy Loo called upon the vegan blaggers of the gutter mouth variety to create a breastacular spectacle of food.
And, not that I let it show too much on here, but I am a terrible, terrible gutter mouth, and I am a cutting edge proponent of toilet humour and ya mum jokes.
You know how sometimes with certain friends you adopt certain ways of speaking and acting?
Well, I have this one friend in particular- a guffawing, dirty, footy-kicking dude, who is totally loveable, but totally disgusting and steps the line on gross jokes way too often. And whenever I am around him, my potty mouth steps up a notch, and before you know it I’m making jokes about doing rather explicit and rude things to his Mum.
And it’s been this way ever since I’ve known him, and I doubt it will ever stop. We just egg on each others grossness.
And it is superfun.

This weekend marked his 28th birthday and he had a picnic to celebrate.
A dirty, cussy-mouthed picnic.
I decided to bake a cake cause I knew there would be no chance I’d be able to eat one brought along by anyone else.

And thus, a tit-cake was born.

I had grand plans for this cake.
I was going to hollow out the centre and fill it with a creamy substance.
I was going to cut holes where the nipples are and use large straws to keep the holes open.
The theory was that when the cake was cut, the cream would ooze out of the straws and create the illusion of a lactating lady.
Just the kind of thing my friend would like.

I had a few problems with this plan though.
1. I was hungover.
2. I didn’t know what I could use as the “cream”.
3. It was good friday and all the shops were shut so I had to make do with what I already had in the pantry.
4. I woke up at 10 and had to have the cake made and ready to go by 1.
Tough.

And so, the cake did not lactate. And that made me terribly sad.
But something that made me incredibly happy was the fact that the other, non-vegan, cake brought along was in the shape of Serena Williams’ ass cheeks.
Purely coincidentally!
Fucking spectacular.
What more than tits and ass could a boy want for his birthday?

I used this recipe from the vegetarian and vegan society of queensland forum (about halfway down the page posted by Margaret).
The cake was ok.
A fairly standard chocolate cake, lacking in a bit of flavour and sweetness. I reckon if you added another 1/2 cup cocoa and 1/2 cup of brown sugar you’d be in for some real business, for sure.
I iced it with nuttelex whipped with icing sugar, red food colouring, and added a bit of cocoa to the areola icing, and used some cute little sultanas for the nips, which my friend gleefully licked before chomping down.